Jim Socks: Welcome to The Mating Game! Let’s meet our eligible bachelors, and HEEERRRREEE they are.
Bachelor #1 is a former heavy weight champion and political body. Currently a father of many and counting, he’s Arnold Snortsnnailsher. *Arnold comes out flexing his triceps to the music of “You’re so Vain”. *
Bachelor #2 is a former actor now seeking a hobby. Let’s welcome Charlie Sheethead! Charlie walks onto the stage sipping a martini and stuffing his pockets with baggies of white powdery stuff. The song “Let’s Go Get Stoned” blasts our studio.
Bachelor #3 is a retired politician with a penchant for tweeting. Welcome Anthony Oscar Meyer! The Oscar Meyer theme song plays as Anthony walks on stage proudly pointing at his groin region.
Our lovely bachelorette likes necklaces and performing. Let’s welcome Lindsay Quickhands! Lindsay strolls in wearing shades, a diamond- studded evening gown, ankle bracelet and flip flops. Her lawyer stands by her side, helping Lindsay read the questions.
First question: So like, I like big shiny things. What would you gift me with if we became an item?
Bachelor number 2, Charlie? You like big shiny things huh? This bag of cocaine is pretty darn shiny. Charlie tosses a Ziploc filled with white powdery stuff over the stage divider, hitting Jim Socks in the face. Jim picks it up with a grin and stashes it in his pants pocket.
How about Anthony, number 3? Well, Lindsay, I really would like to “gift” you, if that’s what you want to call it. Anyway, it’s not shiny, but it is big. I’m thinking, though, you can rub it to make it shiny. Wait, I’ll send you a picture...what’s your ‘Twitter’ name?
Question 4 (lawyer whispers in her ear), Oh, second question: The paparazzi love me. I can’t do anything without being photographed. If you’re gonna be with me, you’d have the cameras on you. How do you feel about that?
Arnold, Bachelor 1? I have made plenty of sex tapes. I am not camera shy. By the way, did you see the one with Jesse "The Body" Ventura?
How about Anthony? Cameras usually are on me, I’m so damn stunning. Compared to me, Brad Pitt is Brad-the-Homeless-Guy-With-No-Teeth-and-a-Collection-of-Cans-Who-Lives-Under-the-Overpass. And you’d be Chaz Bono. So, don’t worry. Hey, how ‘bout I also ‘friend’ you on ‘Facebook’ along with ‘Twitter’?
Question 3: I’ve been at home in my beachfront mansion a lot these days. It’s kind of boring. What would you do to spice things up for me?
Bachelor #1, Arnold? May I suggest a threesome with Danny Devito?
How about you, Charlie? Well I know this group of porn stars we could invite over along with that "shiny" stuff and we could have a little party.
Last question: It’s been a long time since I had a boyfriend. *Sigh* Most guys think I’m just a partier. But I like other things too, like shopping. Are you, like, into different things? If so, what?
Number 1, Arnold? I like to pick things up and put them down!! I also like doing maids, democrats, libertarians, librarians, brussel sprouts and an occasional German shepherd.
How about you, Charlie? Well we could go shopping for lingerie and strippers, babe.
Number 3? I’m into mirrors, restraint, recording devices, meat, and meat-related products. But, mostly meat. On second thought, do you have an I-Phone? That may be the best way to shoot you a video I took of myself at the gym. With no pants.
*The Love Boat theme song plays.*
Jim Socks: Our time is up. Lindsay, which of these desirable *licking his lips* bachelors do you choose? Lindsay pauses for a moment, confers with her attorney, nods and says “I choose you, Jim.” Jim blushes. They stroll off stage gushing. Lindsay is seen sliding her hand into Jim’s pants pocket, pulling out the Ziploc full of white powdery stuff. The three bachelors are left dumbfounded but they’re used to it.
Cut to the CREDITS ~ Much thanks to a manly, hilarious cast of bachelors:
Powdered Toast Man, who played Arnold Snortsnnailsher;
Oilfield Trash, who played Charlie Sheethead; and
Al Penwasser, who played Anthony Oscar Meyer.
Love you guys, even if Lindsay doesn’t!
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